From time to time a child makes a scene in church and parents or kids' workers freak out about it, or I see a young mom apologizing for their child's behavior in church on social media, or I visit a church and someone prepares me not to be offended by a particularly rambunctious child. In all of these situations I try to minimize the situation as graciously as possible, sometimes making an affirming comment, sometimes smiling and engaging the little person, sometimes gently coaching a volunteer or nursery worker. Behind closed doors with staff people, I have a number of rants about this subject that I'd like to share more broadly. Oftentimes, I'd very much like to stop a church service and share my rant with the congregation, but that's never appropriate. I feel compelled to share publicly my thoughts of this issue:
All people are loved by God unconditionally and their presence in the house of God is a treasured gift. The church's job is not to make them behave. The church's job is to embody Christ's embrace of his children and make sure that these kids want to be in God's house because they know that they are at home with family.
My conviction about this is grounded in our theology. We believe in Gospel, not law. We believe that trying to get people to act redeemed causes them to be confined and either live in chains or to rebel. We believe that God's true law is the law of love, that a living, righteous law is an expression of the fulfilling of the law to love God and neighbor. We believe that when we are fully loved by God, we will learn to reflect that love toward neighbor and that our behavior will straighten itself out on its own.
Unfortunately, many churches fail to embody our theology in the way they treat children. They act as if the purpose of church is moral training. It's because of this bad theology that many adults don't go to church anymore even though they believe church is great for children--they think children need instruction in good behavior but they believe they learned all they need to know when they were kids in church decades ago. Church is not a finishing school. Church is about the people of God glorifying God for God's sake and being transformed into the image and likeness of Christ by freely receiving the fulness of the love of Christ.
Many children's activities are designed around getting the kids to sit down and shut up, to act right and be good. Undoubtedly, children need to learn to be kind to one another and they sometimes need to be protected from one another so that church is a safe place for every kid. But sometimes I see adults treat kids in such a way that the unspoken message is, "We are in charge here and you need to learn to tow the line and act right." That's the spirit of law, not the spirit of Gospel. Gospel always sets people free, never compels, constricts, or oppresses. Gospels only trains our behavior to embody love of neighbor.
So what about the kid who makes a racket in worship? Isn't that kid a distraction from the purpose of worship? What about the kid who doesn't pay attention during the children's minute? What about the kid who squirms or yaks at parents or makes faces at the people in the neighboring pew?
Thank God for those kids! They bring life and vitality and a reason to stay awake to the people all around them. In all actuality, most worship services are improved by the kind of distraction caused by kids acting up. I'd certainly prefer the kind of distraction caused from a little kid acting like a little kid than I would a room full of people who are all acting properly and barely keeping awake.
Those kids are a tremendous gift to us. Everywhere in American Christianity, and especially in the United Methodist Church, we are concerned about losing our children. We are concerned about the aging of the church. Why would kids want to come to a church that treats them like they are pupils in school who need to sit up straight and behave?
No one is making these kids come to church. No one in today's culture is going to force them to come to church. They don't have to be there. The days when young parents make their kids come to church out of habit and good citizenry have come to an end. Parents will not drag their kids to church. But, when properly loved and accepted in a fun and Gospel-drenched manner, many children will drag their parents to church or at least find a way to come whether their parents bring them or not.
Kids acting like kids in church don't ever distract me. Not ever. Never. Not when they get loud. Not if they run into the chancel and mess with the microphone. Not if they break free and run all over the place. Not if they throw stuff from the diaper bag so that it loudly reverberates when it hits the stone or wood floor. Not when they sing or yell during the sermon. Not when they dance in the aisle during a hymn. Never ever.
I believe that parents are always, always, always more concerned about their kids being a distraction than anyone else.
I believe that there is no more terrible sound in a church than the horrific silence of a church with no kids to make little kid noises.
As a practical matter, when I look out on a congregation, I generally find that the kids are almost no distraction, but the adults trying to get the kids to behave a a major distraction. Oftentimes, no one notices a squirmy toddler until someone tries to quiet down or subdue the little person. If you must be concerned about some kid being a distraction, please don't create a distraction by trying to restrain the kid. No one but you, whoever you are, you uptight grown up, cares about the distraction of the kid until you try to restrain the kid. Let the kid be a kid and no one but you will be distracted. Restrain the kid, and now we are distracted. Let it go. Seriously. It's OK.
If the Gospel is true, then we can love these kids, treasure them, give them a family that wants them to be there, find joy in their energy and enthusiasm, keep them busy and fascinated and engaged. And we can expect that the love that they receive will eventually returned in all kinds of ways, including joyfully and freely growing into cooperation with the church's non-distracting, well-behaved worship culture. I'm not sure if that last bit is entirely a good thing.
So grown ups, young moms, children's workers, and all others, pretty please... When kids act up in church, please don't worry about it. Let them be kids. We want them there. Jesus wants them there and, after all, it's his church, not ours. God is the audience of worship, not us, and he's not distracted by his children acting up in church, he loves it.
Me too.
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