From time to time a child makes a scene in church and parents or kids' workers freak out about it, or I see a young mom apologizing for their child's behavior in church on social media, or I visit a church and someone prepares me not to be offended by a particularly rambunctious child. In all of these situations I try to minimize the situation as graciously as possible, sometimes making an affirming comment, sometimes smiling and engaging the little person, sometimes gently coaching a volunteer or nursery worker. Behind closed doors with staff people, I have a number of rants about this subject that I'd like to share more broadly. Oftentimes, I'd very much like to stop a church service and share my rant with the congregation, but that's never appropriate. I feel compelled to share publicly my thoughts of this issue:
All people are loved by God unconditionally and their presence in the house of God is a treasured gift. The church's job is not to make them behave. The church's job is to embody Christ's embrace of his children and make sure that these kids want to be in God's house because they know that they are at home with family.
My conviction about this is grounded in our theology. We believe in Gospel, not law. We believe that trying to get people to act redeemed causes them to be confined and either live in chains or to rebel. We believe that God's true law is the law of love, that a living, righteous law is an expression of the fulfilling of the law to love God and neighbor. We believe that when we are fully loved by God, we will learn to reflect that love toward neighbor and that our behavior will straighten itself out on its own.
Unfortunately, many churches fail to embody our theology in the way they treat children. They act as if the purpose of church is moral training. It's because of this bad theology that many adults don't go to church anymore even though they believe church is great for children--they think children need instruction in good behavior but they believe they learned all they need to know when they were kids in church decades ago. Church is not a finishing school. Church is about the people of God glorifying God for God's sake and being transformed into the image and likeness of Christ by freely receiving the fulness of the love of Christ.
Many children's activities are designed around getting the kids to sit down and shut up, to act right and be good. Undoubtedly, children need to learn to be kind to one another and they sometimes need to be protected from one another so that church is a safe place for every kid. But sometimes I see adults treat kids in such a way that the unspoken message is, "We are in charge here and you need to learn to tow the line and act right." That's the spirit of law, not the spirit of Gospel. Gospel always sets people free, never compels, constricts, or oppresses. Gospels only trains our behavior to embody love of neighbor.
So what about the kid who makes a racket in worship? Isn't that kid a distraction from the purpose of worship? What about the kid who doesn't pay attention during the children's minute? What about the kid who squirms or yaks at parents or makes faces at the people in the neighboring pew?
Thank God for those kids! They bring life and vitality and a reason to stay awake to the people all around them. In all actuality, most worship services are improved by the kind of distraction caused by kids acting up. I'd certainly prefer the kind of distraction caused from a little kid acting like a little kid than I would a room full of people who are all acting properly and barely keeping awake.
Those kids are a tremendous gift to us. Everywhere in American Christianity, and especially in the United Methodist Church, we are concerned about losing our children. We are concerned about the aging of the church. Why would kids want to come to a church that treats them like they are pupils in school who need to sit up straight and behave?
No one is making these kids come to church. No one in today's culture is going to force them to come to church. They don't have to be there. The days when young parents make their kids come to church out of habit and good citizenry have come to an end. Parents will not drag their kids to church. But, when properly loved and accepted in a fun and Gospel-drenched manner, many children will drag their parents to church or at least find a way to come whether their parents bring them or not.
Kids acting like kids in church don't ever distract me. Not ever. Never. Not when they get loud. Not if they run into the chancel and mess with the microphone. Not if they break free and run all over the place. Not if they throw stuff from the diaper bag so that it loudly reverberates when it hits the stone or wood floor. Not when they sing or yell during the sermon. Not when they dance in the aisle during a hymn. Never ever.
I believe that parents are always, always, always more concerned about their kids being a distraction than anyone else.
I believe that there is no more terrible sound in a church than the horrific silence of a church with no kids to make little kid noises.
As a practical matter, when I look out on a congregation, I generally find that the kids are almost no distraction, but the adults trying to get the kids to behave a a major distraction. Oftentimes, no one notices a squirmy toddler until someone tries to quiet down or subdue the little person. If you must be concerned about some kid being a distraction, please don't create a distraction by trying to restrain the kid. No one but you, whoever you are, you uptight grown up, cares about the distraction of the kid until you try to restrain the kid. Let the kid be a kid and no one but you will be distracted. Restrain the kid, and now we are distracted. Let it go. Seriously. It's OK.
If the Gospel is true, then we can love these kids, treasure them, give them a family that wants them to be there, find joy in their energy and enthusiasm, keep them busy and fascinated and engaged. And we can expect that the love that they receive will eventually returned in all kinds of ways, including joyfully and freely growing into cooperation with the church's non-distracting, well-behaved worship culture. I'm not sure if that last bit is entirely a good thing.
So grown ups, young moms, children's workers, and all others, pretty please... When kids act up in church, please don't worry about it. Let them be kids. We want them there. Jesus wants them there and, after all, it's his church, not ours. God is the audience of worship, not us, and he's not distracted by his children acting up in church, he loves it.
Me too.
Friday, July 26, 2019
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
My United Methodist Family
I have not used social media to comment on the recent Called General Conference of the United Methodist Church that addressed LGBTQ+ issues. I will not directly do so here or in any social media post. Many of my online friends are not United Methodists, and this conversation is a family issue. The many Methodists who have talked to me about these decisions have shared views that encompass the full spectrum of our connection. Anyone who is within this family has a right to share their thoughts and feelings freely. But anyone else--it feels to me like they are commenting on my parents' divorce. It's not their business. One reason this is a painful time for us is that we are family with each other and family fights are the most painful.
We all live within our covenants. Our covenantal relationships define our lives. When our covenants are tried, our identity is on the line. Every covenant is tried from time to time. We must sometimes make hard choices to stay in covenant with those with whom we share life or to break covenant. Scripture teaches us that God is a covenantal God, that God keeps covenant with people no matter what. Still, we are fallen people and covenants force our unfaithfulness to bump up against the unfaithfulness of others. Every family, nation, congregation, marriage, friendship faces this challenging dynamic. Sometimes it hurts. From time to time, we are compelled to break covenant. Most of the time, sticking with the covenant forces us to learn the true meaning of love.
I will stay true to my covenant with the United Methodist Church. I will do all I can to seek repentance for myself and grace toward all others.
I have many dear United Methodist friends who are gay, or have children or grandchildren who are gay, or who have ministries with people who are gay. These precious children of God within my denomination are hurting right now. So I hope that my affirmation of my church will not be ill-timed to cause any more hurt.
But I still deeply love the United Methodist Church and all my brothers and sisters, no matter what their views or recent behavior may be. I sincerely hope that our denomination will hold together and that our gifts will continue to be shared with the world-wide body of Christ and for the sake of the healing of the world's suffering.
I share a few of those gifts worth preserving:
First, our denomination provides perhaps the safest environment for the the protection of children and other vulnerable populations of any expression of American Christianity. Our polity, policies, and culture protect the vulnerable and hold predators accountable.
Secondly, the United Methodist Church affirms the ministries of women as consistently as any church. I mostly grew up in more conservative traditions and watched my own mother have her calling to ministry consistently rejected. One reason that I hope our conservative and progressive wings hold together is that our connection provides perhaps the best place in American religious life for a conservative woman who is called of God to fulfill her potential in sharing the Gospel in vocational ministry.
Thirdly, all United Methodists share a deep and practiced conviction of activist mission. When my town was recently devastated by a hurricane, Methodists from around the country came to help us. Some came from WCA churches. Some came from progressive churches. Some held deeply exclusive views, and some actively support full inclusion of LGBTQ persons in all aspects of the life of the church. They all felt compelled by their understanding of the love of God to do something to help our community. We welcomed them all and were grateful to them all.
Fourthly, while United Methodists have theological disagreements, I believe we have the best theology. The world needs Wesleyan theology more now than ever. We have the best understanding of individual and corporate grace and redemption.
We struggle to understand how that theology is applied--we all believe that God loves us as we are and yet God's love transforms us into something else. While we disagree on what transformation looks like, I truly believe that, by and large, we are genuine in our desire to offer welcome to all people. Even the most conservative Methodists I know (with few exceptions) are quick to say that we need to love everyone and welcome everyone. Our ideas of what love and welcome entail are not consistent. But it is worth recognizing that many traditions are not this way--many forms of American Christianity are actively hateful to all kinds of people and seek to drive people out. Again, I say this not to minimize or excuse. But even in the most conservative churches I've served, I've felt comfortable when inviting gay people to church to tell them that no one would be cruel to them or make them feel unwelcome. Before I was a Methodist, I have been in churches where this was not the case.
Fifthly, United Methodists do not have celebrities. If you're thinking that Will Willimon or Adam Hamilton are exceptions, you don't have the first clue what a cult of personality driven religious community is about. Believe me, this is a very good thing. We are not free from our own forms of pride and vainglory, but we have a kind of humility built into our ethos that keeps in check a kind of spiritual cancer that our culture celebrates and many church cultures embrace.
I could go on and on. Methodism almost universally values substance over show. It embraces learning without empty intellectualism, theological clarity without dogmatism. It's community based. It has systems in place to provide financial accountability at all levels. These are good things and they are rare. I was not raised United Methodist. Perhaps I still have covert's enthusiasm. But I believe, warts and all, we are a great option, maybe the best option.
I have become increasingly careful not to expect the United Methodist Church to conform to my ideas of what it should or might be. In "Life Together," Dietrich Bonhoeffer said that we enter the Christian community not as dreamers making demands, but as grateful participants. I am grateful to the people of the United Methodist Church that they welcomed me, a sinner and an outsider, and have given me a treasured place. They have nurtured my children and carried me through untold difficulties.
The United Methodists who have extended grace to me, loved me imperfectly but well, and made me who I am, are people who fit every description--conservative, moderate, progressive, straight, gay, WCA, Reconciling, Southern, Northern, black, white, Asian, Hispanic. Many have joined the Church Triumphant and are, I pray, interceding for us even through this tribulation.
We all live within our covenants. Our covenantal relationships define our lives. When our covenants are tried, our identity is on the line. Every covenant is tried from time to time. We must sometimes make hard choices to stay in covenant with those with whom we share life or to break covenant. Scripture teaches us that God is a covenantal God, that God keeps covenant with people no matter what. Still, we are fallen people and covenants force our unfaithfulness to bump up against the unfaithfulness of others. Every family, nation, congregation, marriage, friendship faces this challenging dynamic. Sometimes it hurts. From time to time, we are compelled to break covenant. Most of the time, sticking with the covenant forces us to learn the true meaning of love.
I will stay true to my covenant with the United Methodist Church. I will do all I can to seek repentance for myself and grace toward all others.
I have many dear United Methodist friends who are gay, or have children or grandchildren who are gay, or who have ministries with people who are gay. These precious children of God within my denomination are hurting right now. So I hope that my affirmation of my church will not be ill-timed to cause any more hurt.
But I still deeply love the United Methodist Church and all my brothers and sisters, no matter what their views or recent behavior may be. I sincerely hope that our denomination will hold together and that our gifts will continue to be shared with the world-wide body of Christ and for the sake of the healing of the world's suffering.
I share a few of those gifts worth preserving:
First, our denomination provides perhaps the safest environment for the the protection of children and other vulnerable populations of any expression of American Christianity. Our polity, policies, and culture protect the vulnerable and hold predators accountable.
Secondly, the United Methodist Church affirms the ministries of women as consistently as any church. I mostly grew up in more conservative traditions and watched my own mother have her calling to ministry consistently rejected. One reason that I hope our conservative and progressive wings hold together is that our connection provides perhaps the best place in American religious life for a conservative woman who is called of God to fulfill her potential in sharing the Gospel in vocational ministry.
Thirdly, all United Methodists share a deep and practiced conviction of activist mission. When my town was recently devastated by a hurricane, Methodists from around the country came to help us. Some came from WCA churches. Some came from progressive churches. Some held deeply exclusive views, and some actively support full inclusion of LGBTQ persons in all aspects of the life of the church. They all felt compelled by their understanding of the love of God to do something to help our community. We welcomed them all and were grateful to them all.
Fourthly, while United Methodists have theological disagreements, I believe we have the best theology. The world needs Wesleyan theology more now than ever. We have the best understanding of individual and corporate grace and redemption.
We struggle to understand how that theology is applied--we all believe that God loves us as we are and yet God's love transforms us into something else. While we disagree on what transformation looks like, I truly believe that, by and large, we are genuine in our desire to offer welcome to all people. Even the most conservative Methodists I know (with few exceptions) are quick to say that we need to love everyone and welcome everyone. Our ideas of what love and welcome entail are not consistent. But it is worth recognizing that many traditions are not this way--many forms of American Christianity are actively hateful to all kinds of people and seek to drive people out. Again, I say this not to minimize or excuse. But even in the most conservative churches I've served, I've felt comfortable when inviting gay people to church to tell them that no one would be cruel to them or make them feel unwelcome. Before I was a Methodist, I have been in churches where this was not the case.
Fifthly, United Methodists do not have celebrities. If you're thinking that Will Willimon or Adam Hamilton are exceptions, you don't have the first clue what a cult of personality driven religious community is about. Believe me, this is a very good thing. We are not free from our own forms of pride and vainglory, but we have a kind of humility built into our ethos that keeps in check a kind of spiritual cancer that our culture celebrates and many church cultures embrace.
I could go on and on. Methodism almost universally values substance over show. It embraces learning without empty intellectualism, theological clarity without dogmatism. It's community based. It has systems in place to provide financial accountability at all levels. These are good things and they are rare. I was not raised United Methodist. Perhaps I still have covert's enthusiasm. But I believe, warts and all, we are a great option, maybe the best option.
I have become increasingly careful not to expect the United Methodist Church to conform to my ideas of what it should or might be. In "Life Together," Dietrich Bonhoeffer said that we enter the Christian community not as dreamers making demands, but as grateful participants. I am grateful to the people of the United Methodist Church that they welcomed me, a sinner and an outsider, and have given me a treasured place. They have nurtured my children and carried me through untold difficulties.
The United Methodists who have extended grace to me, loved me imperfectly but well, and made me who I am, are people who fit every description--conservative, moderate, progressive, straight, gay, WCA, Reconciling, Southern, Northern, black, white, Asian, Hispanic. Many have joined the Church Triumphant and are, I pray, interceding for us even through this tribulation.
Why Churches Should Send Their Pastors Away
When I began ministry many years ago as a youth pastor, the senior pastor I worked for offered me the very good advice that the largest part of a pastor's job is to be present. Unfortunately, I've also tended to see time away as a drawback to the church, a concession they gave me. Mostly, churches don't feel that way. They have tended to encourage me to enjoy vacations, ministry in other contexts, and continuing education experiences. I've had particular support in this regard from my current congregation. Upon returning from the first long vacation I've taken in years, I've been reflecting on reasons that congregations should not only give pastors time away for the pastor's sake, but also for their own self-interest.
1. When congregations encourage rest, renewal, and family connection, their pastors work more diligently, gratefully, and joyfully throughout the rest of the year.
2. Being a pastor has much more to do with the way work is done than it does with the number of hours worked. A pastor whose soul is diminished and who is tired and stressed will make poor decisions and have a poor attitude. When a pastor's soul is in trouble, more work creates more problems for the congregation. It's not like cutting lawns or shoveling snow. When ministry is done from a healthy place, the hours worked will bring fruit and good things for the congregation.
3. When a pastor's family feels neglected, the pastor begins to feel pulled between the competing interests of the family and the church. When a pastor's family feels supported by the congregation and satisfied that the pastor invests time and attention to the family, the pastor is freed to do ministry with support from the family.
4. Going away allows that pastor to see things with fresh eyes. Once, I moved into a home with a small rust stain on the carpet. At first, it drove me crazy. Soon, I never noticed it. When we first arrive at a church, we recognize opportunities and challenges clearly. After time goes by, we acclimate and forget. Going away and returning allows us to come back with newness of vision.
5. It's a very good thing for other people besides the primary pastor to preach. People need to hear fresh voices. The primary pastor needs a break from the incessant return of Sunday. Developing preachers need an opportunity to develop. The primary preacher needs to embody the reality that he or she does not have a corner on the Word of God.
6. When the pastor ministers elsewhere--preaching in other pulpits, mission trips, etc.--the home congregation benefits in many ways. Recently I preached at a former congregation and told of our church's ministry recovering from a hurricane. The congregation I visited gave thousands of dollars to my home church for hurricane ministry. The connections I maintain with other congregations have created partnerships that have proved invaluable in our recovery in many ways. Being connected has paid off big for our church with staff searches. Above all, when a pastor does ministry somewhere else, the pastor embodies the reality that no single congregation contains the Church, that we are all in ministry to all people everywhere and partners in ministry with all other congregations.
7. Pastors often act as if their role in the daily functioning of the church is absolutely essential at all times. This is very unhealthy. When the pastor is away, staff and lay leadership are forced to run things on their own. They find out that they can do so just fine! This allows leadership and the congregation as a whole to function more smoothly and in a more healthy manner whether the pastor is there or not.
8. Pastors have fresh experiences, learn new things, and become more interesting people when they get out of their routine. Once, when visiting relatives in Ithaca, NY, I encountered the idea of a "Alternative Gift Fair" in which people could shop for donations to local non-profits to give in lieu of Christmas presents. I brought this idea back to Montgomery, AL and it was a big hit. We all get stuck telling the same stories, doing the same things. A church whose pastor has a life outside of church life will necessarily be a more interesting person who makes church life more rich and meaningful.
1. When congregations encourage rest, renewal, and family connection, their pastors work more diligently, gratefully, and joyfully throughout the rest of the year.
2. Being a pastor has much more to do with the way work is done than it does with the number of hours worked. A pastor whose soul is diminished and who is tired and stressed will make poor decisions and have a poor attitude. When a pastor's soul is in trouble, more work creates more problems for the congregation. It's not like cutting lawns or shoveling snow. When ministry is done from a healthy place, the hours worked will bring fruit and good things for the congregation.
3. When a pastor's family feels neglected, the pastor begins to feel pulled between the competing interests of the family and the church. When a pastor's family feels supported by the congregation and satisfied that the pastor invests time and attention to the family, the pastor is freed to do ministry with support from the family.
4. Going away allows that pastor to see things with fresh eyes. Once, I moved into a home with a small rust stain on the carpet. At first, it drove me crazy. Soon, I never noticed it. When we first arrive at a church, we recognize opportunities and challenges clearly. After time goes by, we acclimate and forget. Going away and returning allows us to come back with newness of vision.
5. It's a very good thing for other people besides the primary pastor to preach. People need to hear fresh voices. The primary pastor needs a break from the incessant return of Sunday. Developing preachers need an opportunity to develop. The primary preacher needs to embody the reality that he or she does not have a corner on the Word of God.
6. When the pastor ministers elsewhere--preaching in other pulpits, mission trips, etc.--the home congregation benefits in many ways. Recently I preached at a former congregation and told of our church's ministry recovering from a hurricane. The congregation I visited gave thousands of dollars to my home church for hurricane ministry. The connections I maintain with other congregations have created partnerships that have proved invaluable in our recovery in many ways. Being connected has paid off big for our church with staff searches. Above all, when a pastor does ministry somewhere else, the pastor embodies the reality that no single congregation contains the Church, that we are all in ministry to all people everywhere and partners in ministry with all other congregations.
7. Pastors often act as if their role in the daily functioning of the church is absolutely essential at all times. This is very unhealthy. When the pastor is away, staff and lay leadership are forced to run things on their own. They find out that they can do so just fine! This allows leadership and the congregation as a whole to function more smoothly and in a more healthy manner whether the pastor is there or not.
8. Pastors have fresh experiences, learn new things, and become more interesting people when they get out of their routine. Once, when visiting relatives in Ithaca, NY, I encountered the idea of a "Alternative Gift Fair" in which people could shop for donations to local non-profits to give in lieu of Christmas presents. I brought this idea back to Montgomery, AL and it was a big hit. We all get stuck telling the same stories, doing the same things. A church whose pastor has a life outside of church life will necessarily be a more interesting person who makes church life more rich and meaningful.
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