I just read Fyodor Dostoyevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov." It's about 750 pages, dialogue heavy, written in Russian in the 19th century. It started out as a pretty tough slog, but I've always heard how great it was and I wanted to experience it myself. It was, indeed, definitely worth the time and effort. In case anyone else decides to take the plunge on this great classic, I thought I might share a word of advice that made the book open up for me.
"The Brothers Karamazov" is divided into four parts and twelve books. Each book contains many smaller chapters, sometimes a dozen or more chapters per book. And there's an epilogue with three additional final chapters. Whew!
Shortly after I began reading the book, I read somewhere that it was originally publishes as a serial. Like the writings of many 19th century novelists, Dostoyevsky published "The Brothers Karamazov" in installments, short articles, in a magazine. The first readers would have read the book a week at a time. The whole thing came out over a period of two years.
It feels overwhelming to read the whole thing all at once. That's because it was never meant to be experienced that way. Reading all of "The Brothers Karamazov" front to back is like binge watching a decade of "Friends" over a weekend.
That analogy--comparing the totality of the book to a long-running series--was a very helpful key for me to engage. I treated the books as seasons in a series and the short chapters as episodes designed to be experienced with an integrity each in themselves designed to build suspense leading into the next one. The book as a whole, much like a dramatic series like The Sopranos or Six Feet Under, holds together much more through the relationship the reader builds with the book's complex, compelling character than it does through the plot. And the point of the book (again, much like the best dramatic TV series) is an exploration of consistent and heavy existential themes as the characters navigate complicated and sometimes crazy circumstances.
That might not help anyone but me. But if you love TV dramas and can binge watch a really good Showtime or Netflix series, I believe you could really enjoy "The Brothers Karamazov" by approaching it similarly.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Thursday, August 9, 2018
A Modest Methodist Proposal Regarding Union and Disunion
If, like me, you are a United Methodist, you are likely aware that our denomination is having its turn going through troubles. Like us, many mainline denominations have cultural divides that have erupted over the issue of human sexuality. Next year, we have a special world-wide meeting to discuss how we will deal with this issue (for non-Methodists--the name of the meeting is "called General Conference").
Our bishops have made three recommendations regarding how the General Conference might approach the issue. None of these are acceptable to everyone. All of them have serious problems.
So we United Methodists are very likely to split. In preparation for schism, some conservatives among us have put together a group called the "Wesleyan Covenant Association," which provides the connections and infrastructure for a new denomination if they do not get their way at General Conference 2019 (and perhaps even if they do get their way). At first, they said the WCA was not a preparation for schism, but they have given up even pretending that they only wanted to express their views and lobby for enforcement of our church's rules on these matters. They now have their own conferences, apportionments ("membership fees"), and curriculum. We have churches that are still United Methodist Churches and yet are members of the WCA--simultaneously part of an existing denominational covenant and also members of a secondary covenant with a new denomination that might or might not come into existence. It's as if these churches and pastors have moved in with the girlfriend while they are waiting for the divorce from the wife to be finalized.
I strongly believe in covenants. I believe schism is a sin. I believe that faith communities hold together as an expression of our belief in God's steadfast love and faithfulness. Splitting from each other on the basis of our perception of others' unfaithfulness is a lived heresy. We stay together because of God's faithfulness, not because of our own faithfulness or the faithfulness of others with whom we are in covenant. So my hope and prayer is that the UMC will hold together and that we will not split up. I will not participate in any other covenant group as long as there is a United Methodist Church, for the same reason that I will not have a Tinder account as long as I am married.
The WCA (as well as progressive covenantal communities like the "Reconciling Movement," which also has member churches and pastors) make me pessimistic that people who see the situation like I see it will prevail in these conversations. As much as it pains and sickens me, it feels to me that a split is almost inevitable.
To be clear, I'm for unity. But if unity is impossible, I have another idea besides a split. My idea is crazy and I share it almost tongue-in-cheek. But everyone with whom I've shared this idea likes it. So here it goes.
First, the last thing the world needs is more denominations. To split up the second largest Protestant denomination into two or three denominations is crazy. We don't need more denominations. We have too many of them already. If anything, we should be consolidating rather than fracturing.
Second, the splits within the UMC are mirrored in all the mainline denominations. A progressive PCUSA Presbyterian Church has lots more in common with a progressive United Methodist than either has with their conservative counterparts in the same denomination.
So, rather than a split, how about a realignment?
If they just can't stand to pray and serve and live in the same tent with New York liberal United Methodists, what if the WCA people, instead of creating a new denomination, just united with the Church of the Nazarene? Or the Wesleyan Church? Or any of the existing conservative denominations in the greater Methodist family? Or all of them?
Of course, this proposal assumes that the WCA's concerns are what they say they are and that they are not just seeking to free themselves from the accountability and shared concerns of a greater covenant community while using complaints about liberalism as a mask for personal ambitions and personal power. But I'm quite sure the WCA folks are uniformly concerned about ethical purity, so a merger with the Nazarenes should be no problem. Assuming that the Nazarenes would take them.
And the Northeastern United Methodists--they could just hook up with the Episcopalians. They seem to want to be Episcopalians anyway. John Wesley was an Anglican. Why not go back to our roots? Maybe the West Coast UMCs could do the same thing, or maybe they could join the PCUSA or the Unitarian Universalists. This might be a great opportunity for all the progressives mainlines (including whatever Lutheran group Nadia Bolz-Weber is in, the American Baptists, the Congregationalists, anyone who just can't get enough of Barbara Brown Taylor) to lash their rafts together and make a go of it. They did it in Canada. Progressives love Canada.
What about the rest of us? The good, old fashioned, John Wesley quoting, casserole eating, hymnal using, acronym-addicted, agenda-less, centrist, institution-trusting, non-axe-grinding, easy going Methodists? Many of us have no interest in being in a WCA style of denomination, but we are concerned about the kind of UMC we would have left if we lost the orthodox pull of our conservatives. Many of us see ourselves as moderates--theological orthodox, creedal, biblical Christians, but not quite so wrapped around the axle about the evangelical political social agenda as our Good News/WCA/Confessing Movement culture warrior friends. Where do we fit? What kind of UMC would be left for people like us?
How about if we hooked up with the CME, AME and AMEZ? They, too have a commitment to orthodoxy and true Methodist covenantal connectionalism, only without the right wing political agenda. I believe I could find a home there. Whenever I find myself in an AME church, it feels very much like home.
So there's my crazy idea. Plan B if unity fails should be realignment, not division. The idea is terrible, I know, and absurdly impractical. But a split is also an impractical absurd idea. My idea does much less violence to the Body of Christ and our Lord's prayer that we would all be one.
Our bishops have made three recommendations regarding how the General Conference might approach the issue. None of these are acceptable to everyone. All of them have serious problems.
So we United Methodists are very likely to split. In preparation for schism, some conservatives among us have put together a group called the "Wesleyan Covenant Association," which provides the connections and infrastructure for a new denomination if they do not get their way at General Conference 2019 (and perhaps even if they do get their way). At first, they said the WCA was not a preparation for schism, but they have given up even pretending that they only wanted to express their views and lobby for enforcement of our church's rules on these matters. They now have their own conferences, apportionments ("membership fees"), and curriculum. We have churches that are still United Methodist Churches and yet are members of the WCA--simultaneously part of an existing denominational covenant and also members of a secondary covenant with a new denomination that might or might not come into existence. It's as if these churches and pastors have moved in with the girlfriend while they are waiting for the divorce from the wife to be finalized.
I strongly believe in covenants. I believe schism is a sin. I believe that faith communities hold together as an expression of our belief in God's steadfast love and faithfulness. Splitting from each other on the basis of our perception of others' unfaithfulness is a lived heresy. We stay together because of God's faithfulness, not because of our own faithfulness or the faithfulness of others with whom we are in covenant. So my hope and prayer is that the UMC will hold together and that we will not split up. I will not participate in any other covenant group as long as there is a United Methodist Church, for the same reason that I will not have a Tinder account as long as I am married.
The WCA (as well as progressive covenantal communities like the "Reconciling Movement," which also has member churches and pastors) make me pessimistic that people who see the situation like I see it will prevail in these conversations. As much as it pains and sickens me, it feels to me that a split is almost inevitable.
To be clear, I'm for unity. But if unity is impossible, I have another idea besides a split. My idea is crazy and I share it almost tongue-in-cheek. But everyone with whom I've shared this idea likes it. So here it goes.
First, the last thing the world needs is more denominations. To split up the second largest Protestant denomination into two or three denominations is crazy. We don't need more denominations. We have too many of them already. If anything, we should be consolidating rather than fracturing.
Second, the splits within the UMC are mirrored in all the mainline denominations. A progressive PCUSA Presbyterian Church has lots more in common with a progressive United Methodist than either has with their conservative counterparts in the same denomination.
So, rather than a split, how about a realignment?
If they just can't stand to pray and serve and live in the same tent with New York liberal United Methodists, what if the WCA people, instead of creating a new denomination, just united with the Church of the Nazarene? Or the Wesleyan Church? Or any of the existing conservative denominations in the greater Methodist family? Or all of them?
Of course, this proposal assumes that the WCA's concerns are what they say they are and that they are not just seeking to free themselves from the accountability and shared concerns of a greater covenant community while using complaints about liberalism as a mask for personal ambitions and personal power. But I'm quite sure the WCA folks are uniformly concerned about ethical purity, so a merger with the Nazarenes should be no problem. Assuming that the Nazarenes would take them.
And the Northeastern United Methodists--they could just hook up with the Episcopalians. They seem to want to be Episcopalians anyway. John Wesley was an Anglican. Why not go back to our roots? Maybe the West Coast UMCs could do the same thing, or maybe they could join the PCUSA or the Unitarian Universalists. This might be a great opportunity for all the progressives mainlines (including whatever Lutheran group Nadia Bolz-Weber is in, the American Baptists, the Congregationalists, anyone who just can't get enough of Barbara Brown Taylor) to lash their rafts together and make a go of it. They did it in Canada. Progressives love Canada.
What about the rest of us? The good, old fashioned, John Wesley quoting, casserole eating, hymnal using, acronym-addicted, agenda-less, centrist, institution-trusting, non-axe-grinding, easy going Methodists? Many of us have no interest in being in a WCA style of denomination, but we are concerned about the kind of UMC we would have left if we lost the orthodox pull of our conservatives. Many of us see ourselves as moderates--theological orthodox, creedal, biblical Christians, but not quite so wrapped around the axle about the evangelical political social agenda as our Good News/WCA/Confessing Movement culture warrior friends. Where do we fit? What kind of UMC would be left for people like us?
How about if we hooked up with the CME, AME and AMEZ? They, too have a commitment to orthodoxy and true Methodist covenantal connectionalism, only without the right wing political agenda. I believe I could find a home there. Whenever I find myself in an AME church, it feels very much like home.
So there's my crazy idea. Plan B if unity fails should be realignment, not division. The idea is terrible, I know, and absurdly impractical. But a split is also an impractical absurd idea. My idea does much less violence to the Body of Christ and our Lord's prayer that we would all be one.
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Hurt
Last fall, I foolishly took up basketball again. I'm 43 and I should be done with it by now. But I loved to play, and basketball was a regular part of my life from my teen years until a hip problem made me cut it out a few years ago.
The hip started feeling better. I was in Wal-mart with my wife and spotted a basketball. I couldn't resist. I picked it up and began going to the park everyday. The ball was falling through the hoop again, better than I expected. I even played some pick-up games and held my own with folks less than half my age. I had aches and pains, especially in my knees and ankles. But that was to be expected and I figured it would get better.
It didn't. My knee kept swelling and had to be drained. I decided to take some time off to heal up. It didn't help. Every time I sat down for a while, my knees stiffened up terribly. Every time I tried to exercise, every step hurt. I wore braces on both knees all the time. Months passed. No improvement. I began to put on weight. I finally went to the doctor. The doctor sent me to an orthopedic doctor.
The orthopedic doctor told me that I had nothing wrong with me except arthritis. She said that I had inflamed my knees, that I needed to take Aleve, use cushioned inserts in my shoes, and most of all, keep moving. She told me that my knees were getting worse because I responded to the pain by becoming inactive, that the swelling and stiffness would be helped by low impact exercise.
So I started going to the gym every day. Each and every day. Half hour on the stationary bike, weights, half hour on the elliptical machine. Spin class on Wednesdays. It worked! After months of this regimen, my knees feel much better. I can feel the pain and stiffness all the time, especially when I sit for a while. But sometimes it's barely noticeable. Along the way, I've lost a good bit of weight and improved my overall health and well-being.
I've learned something from this experience. I've always tried to stay in shape and remain active. But health and vanity have never been enough for me to keep at it long-term. The only thing that brings me back to the gym every day is pain. Pain is my reminder that I need to obey my doctor and do what it takes to get well.
The Apostle Paul once said that he was given a thorn in the flesh, a messenger from Satan, "to buffet" him. Three times he begged God to remove it from him. Three times God refused. Finally, Paul heard the voice of the Spirit tell him that God's grace would be enough for him, that God's power would be made perfect in him through weakness.
I have no clue what Paul's thorn was, but I know a bit about my thorns. There's the pain in my knees that brings me back to the gym, of course. That pain is something I would love to do without. But I'm also aware that God has used it as a constant reminder of my need to do what it takes to get better. I'm grateful in a way, though I'd sure prefer anything else. It seems that the awful truth about me is that I'm too stubborn or lazy or distracted to learn from any other teacher except pain.
I have other thorns. Paul wouldn't name his, and I don't blame him. I'm claiming the fifth on all my meaningful thorns, too. Some have to do with my emotional health, some relate to my relationships, some relate to my discipleship. I want them fixed. I want them handled. I want them over. I want them removed.
But they probably won't be removed in this life, as far as I can tell. I don't think God put them there. They will not be in the New Jerusalem. But in the meantime, they will nag at me, humble me, and drag my face to the ground to keep me continually at the foot of the cross. I would love to think that God would just remove what I don't like about myself or my life. But I've learned that I would quickly forget him if he did. I would quickly become proud and superior.
That's not to say that I can live with my thorns. If I ignore them or treat them my own way, they will kill me and all that I treasure most. My arthritis was crippling me. My thorns are crippling me. But if I will continually use the pain of my thorns to bring my weakness to Christ, then God will manage the wounds and use my battle against the thorns as a way not only to improve the thorns but also to bring life and healing to the rest of me.
Sometimes, I've known alcoholics and people who love alcoholics who went to treatment and put time into 12 step groups when the pain of alcoholism become to much to bear. All they wanted was to get relief from the alcoholic situation. And the pain usually got better, but it never went away. The alcoholism may or may not have improved. But I've seen over and over again that the application of grace to the pain of the alcoholism did more than treat the alcoholism. Just as my treatment of my knee pain brought strength to my whole body (and mind, too), the grace applied to their alcoholism made them better, stronger, more loving, wiser people and improved everything else in their lives.
This is a mystery. But it's a mystery we must embrace. I've known lots of people, each and every one with, a thorn, a pain, just under the surface. Some of them tried to surgically remove the thorn, or they tried to numb the pain, or they pretended it wasn't there. I've seen thorns badly managed. I've seen them kill.
You have a thorn, too. It may be that if you will allow the pain of your thorn to draw you to Christ that your thorn will be the agent of your healing and the portal through which Christ's strength renews you and makes you whole. It may be that you, like me, can only be shaken from your distraction by the pain of the thorn, that good intentions and accountability and discipline just won't hack it. If so, then may the grace of God be enough for all of us and may his power be made perfect in our weakness.
The hip started feeling better. I was in Wal-mart with my wife and spotted a basketball. I couldn't resist. I picked it up and began going to the park everyday. The ball was falling through the hoop again, better than I expected. I even played some pick-up games and held my own with folks less than half my age. I had aches and pains, especially in my knees and ankles. But that was to be expected and I figured it would get better.
It didn't. My knee kept swelling and had to be drained. I decided to take some time off to heal up. It didn't help. Every time I sat down for a while, my knees stiffened up terribly. Every time I tried to exercise, every step hurt. I wore braces on both knees all the time. Months passed. No improvement. I began to put on weight. I finally went to the doctor. The doctor sent me to an orthopedic doctor.
The orthopedic doctor told me that I had nothing wrong with me except arthritis. She said that I had inflamed my knees, that I needed to take Aleve, use cushioned inserts in my shoes, and most of all, keep moving. She told me that my knees were getting worse because I responded to the pain by becoming inactive, that the swelling and stiffness would be helped by low impact exercise.
So I started going to the gym every day. Each and every day. Half hour on the stationary bike, weights, half hour on the elliptical machine. Spin class on Wednesdays. It worked! After months of this regimen, my knees feel much better. I can feel the pain and stiffness all the time, especially when I sit for a while. But sometimes it's barely noticeable. Along the way, I've lost a good bit of weight and improved my overall health and well-being.
I've learned something from this experience. I've always tried to stay in shape and remain active. But health and vanity have never been enough for me to keep at it long-term. The only thing that brings me back to the gym every day is pain. Pain is my reminder that I need to obey my doctor and do what it takes to get well.
The Apostle Paul once said that he was given a thorn in the flesh, a messenger from Satan, "to buffet" him. Three times he begged God to remove it from him. Three times God refused. Finally, Paul heard the voice of the Spirit tell him that God's grace would be enough for him, that God's power would be made perfect in him through weakness.
I have no clue what Paul's thorn was, but I know a bit about my thorns. There's the pain in my knees that brings me back to the gym, of course. That pain is something I would love to do without. But I'm also aware that God has used it as a constant reminder of my need to do what it takes to get better. I'm grateful in a way, though I'd sure prefer anything else. It seems that the awful truth about me is that I'm too stubborn or lazy or distracted to learn from any other teacher except pain.
I have other thorns. Paul wouldn't name his, and I don't blame him. I'm claiming the fifth on all my meaningful thorns, too. Some have to do with my emotional health, some relate to my relationships, some relate to my discipleship. I want them fixed. I want them handled. I want them over. I want them removed.
But they probably won't be removed in this life, as far as I can tell. I don't think God put them there. They will not be in the New Jerusalem. But in the meantime, they will nag at me, humble me, and drag my face to the ground to keep me continually at the foot of the cross. I would love to think that God would just remove what I don't like about myself or my life. But I've learned that I would quickly forget him if he did. I would quickly become proud and superior.
That's not to say that I can live with my thorns. If I ignore them or treat them my own way, they will kill me and all that I treasure most. My arthritis was crippling me. My thorns are crippling me. But if I will continually use the pain of my thorns to bring my weakness to Christ, then God will manage the wounds and use my battle against the thorns as a way not only to improve the thorns but also to bring life and healing to the rest of me.
Sometimes, I've known alcoholics and people who love alcoholics who went to treatment and put time into 12 step groups when the pain of alcoholism become to much to bear. All they wanted was to get relief from the alcoholic situation. And the pain usually got better, but it never went away. The alcoholism may or may not have improved. But I've seen over and over again that the application of grace to the pain of the alcoholism did more than treat the alcoholism. Just as my treatment of my knee pain brought strength to my whole body (and mind, too), the grace applied to their alcoholism made them better, stronger, more loving, wiser people and improved everything else in their lives.
This is a mystery. But it's a mystery we must embrace. I've known lots of people, each and every one with, a thorn, a pain, just under the surface. Some of them tried to surgically remove the thorn, or they tried to numb the pain, or they pretended it wasn't there. I've seen thorns badly managed. I've seen them kill.
You have a thorn, too. It may be that if you will allow the pain of your thorn to draw you to Christ that your thorn will be the agent of your healing and the portal through which Christ's strength renews you and makes you whole. It may be that you, like me, can only be shaken from your distraction by the pain of the thorn, that good intentions and accountability and discipline just won't hack it. If so, then may the grace of God be enough for all of us and may his power be made perfect in our weakness.
Saturday, April 7, 2018
Caffeine Free
My life has been surprisingly changed by what I expected to be a minor adjustment.
I've up drinking coffee (and all other caffeinated beverages, also).
My relationship with coffee began when I was sixteen years old. I was an extremely busy teenager, made good grades, played in the youth group praise band, and worked over 30 hours per week at the local hardware store. Saturday mornings started way too early. I would pour a cup of heavily sugared coffee and sip it as I made my way through the aisles helping customers, cycling through the store and back to the coffee pot all day long.
A dozen years of theological education, late night paper writing, burning the candle at both ends while working and serving churches only solidified my addiction.
We Methodists treat coffee as the third sacrament. Coffee is everywhere. I've loved my coffee habit. I have a whole collection of coffee makers--french press, Keurig, Ninja, Italian stovetop expresso maker. I love the taste, the warmth, the buzz.
But I was starting to be concerned. My sleep has been off for a long time. I knew I was drinking way too much coffee, drinking cup after cup all day long and into the afternoon. I was tired a lot and knew I was treating an addiction cycle less and less successfully.
So I decided to give it up for Lent and see how it went. I'd done it before about a decade ago, painfully. That time, I had terrible headaches. I also had a surreal experience of feeling as if my head was disconnecting from my body while I was sitting in a meeting. But I got through all that and felt great for a while--until Holy Week hit and I fell off the wagon.
This time was easier. Easter morning came, and I had a decision to make--to joe or not to joe. I decided to stay off of it.
Coffee's great and everyone I know drinks it, so please don't get tangled up about what I'm going to say next about what I am discovering. Please drink your Joe. I'm just telling you what I'm learning.
First of all, I feel better. I sleep better. I wake up more easily in the morning. I've had terrible nighttime heartburn for years, but no more. All of that is good.
I'm also discovering that I have habituated the moderation of my mood and energy with a substance for my entire adult life. It's been a huge adjustment now that it's gone. Sometimes, my energy dips and I feel like a nap. I have a knee jerk reaction to get a warm drink. I tried drinking green tea for a while, but it doesn't do anything. What am I supposed to do? Just be tired? Maybe so. Maybe when you're tired you're supposed to be tired and not mask it with a drug! It's dawned on me that it has never been a healthy thing to regulate my energy this way, that all along maybe I should sleep when I'm tired, get some exercise, or adjust what I do so that my activity energized me.
I'm also noticing that my approach to life is changing a bit. Caffeine doesn't just wake you up. It makes you nervous. It makes you edgy, especially when you've had too much. It makes you impatient. I'm getting used to feeling less driven, less busy-feeling. This is a good thing, especially for a spiritual leader. But I have to admit it feels a little like boredom. Who would have thought that I would need to relearn how to be motivated without coffee?
So my caffeine-free experiment is producing some more substantive results.
I have no clue whether this is true or not, but many years ago I heard that evangelical Christians in Germany don't have the kind of taboo about alcohol that American Christian conservatives have. Beer is perfectly OK for them. But they don't allow caffeine. Mormons don't allow caffeine either. Seventh-day Adventists avoid it, too.
I'm not into any kind of prohibitions. I grew up around prohibitions and I found them suffocating. The Apostle Paul prohibits prohibitions, thank God. But I am thinking some about how any kind of substance (caffeine, refined sugar, alcohol, nicotine, etc.) that we use to alter our mood, perception, personality, energy puts a hook in us and masks our need to find behavioral remedies for our weaknesses and challenges. That's not healthy, physically or spiritually. It was for freedom that Christ has set us free.
I've up drinking coffee (and all other caffeinated beverages, also).
My relationship with coffee began when I was sixteen years old. I was an extremely busy teenager, made good grades, played in the youth group praise band, and worked over 30 hours per week at the local hardware store. Saturday mornings started way too early. I would pour a cup of heavily sugared coffee and sip it as I made my way through the aisles helping customers, cycling through the store and back to the coffee pot all day long.
A dozen years of theological education, late night paper writing, burning the candle at both ends while working and serving churches only solidified my addiction.
We Methodists treat coffee as the third sacrament. Coffee is everywhere. I've loved my coffee habit. I have a whole collection of coffee makers--french press, Keurig, Ninja, Italian stovetop expresso maker. I love the taste, the warmth, the buzz.
But I was starting to be concerned. My sleep has been off for a long time. I knew I was drinking way too much coffee, drinking cup after cup all day long and into the afternoon. I was tired a lot and knew I was treating an addiction cycle less and less successfully.
So I decided to give it up for Lent and see how it went. I'd done it before about a decade ago, painfully. That time, I had terrible headaches. I also had a surreal experience of feeling as if my head was disconnecting from my body while I was sitting in a meeting. But I got through all that and felt great for a while--until Holy Week hit and I fell off the wagon.
This time was easier. Easter morning came, and I had a decision to make--to joe or not to joe. I decided to stay off of it.
Coffee's great and everyone I know drinks it, so please don't get tangled up about what I'm going to say next about what I am discovering. Please drink your Joe. I'm just telling you what I'm learning.
First of all, I feel better. I sleep better. I wake up more easily in the morning. I've had terrible nighttime heartburn for years, but no more. All of that is good.
I'm also discovering that I have habituated the moderation of my mood and energy with a substance for my entire adult life. It's been a huge adjustment now that it's gone. Sometimes, my energy dips and I feel like a nap. I have a knee jerk reaction to get a warm drink. I tried drinking green tea for a while, but it doesn't do anything. What am I supposed to do? Just be tired? Maybe so. Maybe when you're tired you're supposed to be tired and not mask it with a drug! It's dawned on me that it has never been a healthy thing to regulate my energy this way, that all along maybe I should sleep when I'm tired, get some exercise, or adjust what I do so that my activity energized me.
I'm also noticing that my approach to life is changing a bit. Caffeine doesn't just wake you up. It makes you nervous. It makes you edgy, especially when you've had too much. It makes you impatient. I'm getting used to feeling less driven, less busy-feeling. This is a good thing, especially for a spiritual leader. But I have to admit it feels a little like boredom. Who would have thought that I would need to relearn how to be motivated without coffee?
So my caffeine-free experiment is producing some more substantive results.
I have no clue whether this is true or not, but many years ago I heard that evangelical Christians in Germany don't have the kind of taboo about alcohol that American Christian conservatives have. Beer is perfectly OK for them. But they don't allow caffeine. Mormons don't allow caffeine either. Seventh-day Adventists avoid it, too.
I'm not into any kind of prohibitions. I grew up around prohibitions and I found them suffocating. The Apostle Paul prohibits prohibitions, thank God. But I am thinking some about how any kind of substance (caffeine, refined sugar, alcohol, nicotine, etc.) that we use to alter our mood, perception, personality, energy puts a hook in us and masks our need to find behavioral remedies for our weaknesses and challenges. That's not healthy, physically or spiritually. It was for freedom that Christ has set us free.
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