Go to Your Brother

I was once consulting with my former Senior Minister, Lawson Bryan, about some situation I've since forgotten.  I do remember what he taught me through it, though.  I had sought his advice about a potentially sticky situation, he had advised me to talk to the person involved, which I had done, and the thing had been resolved.  When I reported what had happened to him, Dr. Bryan said, "Direct, face-to-face communication is always best."

That's how he treated me, and it made all the difference.  There were times I made mistakes significant enough that I needed correction.  He always spoke with me one-on-one, affirmed me, and helped me to do better.  He always showed grace and helped me save face.

I've come to believe that this capacity to deal with potential or real conflict in a graceful, direct manner may be the single most important leadership ability.

I can look back on my failures and see that many of them could have worked out completely differently if I had understood this earlier.  Years ago, I served a church with an employee whose position was set up in such a way that she could not effectively serve the church.  She also created tremendous conflict in the congregation through irresponsible use of information she learned in her job capacity.  It was clear she could not continue in the position.  I was sharing my concerns about her with a wise church member, who advised me to go and talk to her, to see if she could be convinced to leave honorably.  He felt that she wouldn't mind an opportunity to step out gracefully.  Instead, I took my concerns to the personel committee.  The committee let her go, and great heartache ensued.  I failed to have the courage to do the right thing, the best thing, and the loving thing.

I asked Karl Stegall about this issue when I interviewed him for my doctoral project.  I wanted  to know how to address concerns in order to help interns grow while being sure not to make them feel criticized or crush their spirits.  He said that he always felt that communication about concerns should be immediate, direct, and bathed in a lot of love and grace.

My guess is that many, if not most struggles and conflicts in churches, families, and institutions have a history that begins with a problem that leads to a decision from a leader whether or not to speak directly to the person responsible or bring the issue to others.  Many, if not most problems that blow up and become irreparable have a history that includes a decision to circumvent the person who most needs to be addressed.

Why is this so hard for us?  I think it's because most people lack the courage to look someone in the eye and share a concern.  People are often shocked when we share concerns with them directly.  They are often relieved when concerns are addressed in a way that helps them to be more successful without being embarrassed.  I think the reason that things get out of hand in these situations is that when concerns are addressed to a larger audience, people are humiliated and feel the need to strike back in order to save face.  We must always defend each other's dignity, especially people who are in the wrong.

Isn't this what Jesus taught us?  Keep the circle small.  Confront in private; confront in love.  Only bring others into the situation when there is no other way.